You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
