Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Enjoy the penises
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
