yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
