dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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