There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
