was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
