Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
