You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
