wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
