If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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