I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
