I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
