If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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