I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
