Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
