Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you would pick up someone in the library
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
