Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
