you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
