if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
