Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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