im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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