I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
