Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
