so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
