sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
