Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
