I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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