She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
