the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
