Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
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you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
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Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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