hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He? As in you personified your dick?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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