meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
