In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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