I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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