Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
