I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
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My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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