my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
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We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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