I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
