Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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