I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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