and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
