I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
