Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
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I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
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At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?