Your tits are I can't wait for
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
it glows. i had to have it.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
