Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
