And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
