I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
being pregnant is like rehab
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
