As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
