Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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