Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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