I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
someone threw a dead crab at me
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
