I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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