Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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