i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
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I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
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Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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